Last Thursday was a long day. I worked all day, drove 2+ hours in the head up to CSU, met with our behaviorist for 2 hours, then drove home (another 2 hours). My head was reeling from her insights about Lilly’s behavior, especially about all the kissing being an anxiety outburst (just like snarking or hiding). And, here I thought she just LOVED ME a lot. One question, among the countless asked, echoed in my head as I drove home. My iPod battery pooped out, so I had regular radio and my own thoughts to keep me company during the drive home. And, I had a very sad thought.
The question: Does Lilly have separation anxiety?
The answer: Not one bit
I’ve always been happy about the fact that Lilly doesn’t have a self- or home-destructive meltdown when I leave. Granted, since I work at home, I’m not gone all that much, but Lilly and Ginko cope just fine being home alone for 3, 5, 8, 10 hours at a time if necessary.
I’ve never left Lilly in a kennel, but that’s more about her being freaked out by sights and sounds … and the staff potentially not handling it well … which might cause a HUGE setback. BUT, in the right setting, I honestly think Lilly would be relatively fine without me for a few days.
BUT, driving home, when I was tired and overwhelmed, I came up with this gem …
Maybe Lilly doesn’t have separation anxiety because she’s glad when I’m gone. Maybe being away from me is a relief. Maybe she needs a break from our always-on relationship.
How sad is that?
When I shared this idea with our behaviorist, she was quick to dispel the idea. And, I pretty much believe her.
Still, there’s a kernel of truth in there. I realize now just how often I cue Lilly to do tricks, to comply with daily household things, etc. So, as part of our new plan, I’m trying very, very hard not to ask unnecessary things of her. I’m consciously trying to zip-it.
When we walk, we walk. Period. I don’t ask for HEEL or SWITCH or SIDE. When I take her to the pen at night, I don’t ask her to POTTY or HURRY or COME IN. She’s a big girl. She knows what I expect in most situations, so much of what I ask is already a default behavior. Sit before I put the food bowl down. Sit before I open the door or gate. All the usual polite dog things.
Lilly is a good girl. Most times, in normal daily situations, she doesn’t need me to tell her what to do. So rather than keep up the banter, I’m saving my words and actions to help her cope in situations when she DOES need me. Let’s hope it works.
Indeed, my powers of logic … if x, then y … get warped when I’m tired and stressed. You’re right. I’ll work harder on giving myself a break too. And, I am indeed truly thankful that none of my dogs have ever had separation anxiety. Knock on wood.
Do you have a meltdown every time your husband leaves the house? Does your lack of a meltdown mean you’re happy that he’s gone? The fact that Lilly doesn’t fret when you leave her is a good thing. My dogs don’t get overly upset when I leave but I’m glad for that and they sure are happy to see me when I get back. When I was a kid we had a dog with separation anxiety and it was a nightmare. I don’t think you can equate a lack of anxiety when you leave with the notion that she’s glad you’re gone.
Stop looking for reasons to beat yourself up over this. Lilly is who she is, you didn’t make her that way and you’re trying your best for her.
Thanks, Claire. That’s funny about the audio file. If *you* seemed chatty, then I MUST seem like a total blabbermouth. :o) Poor Lilly. I really am trying to be more quiet.
This is a very interesting insight about giving Lilly ‘down-time’. I had a funny experience that pointed out how much I ask of my dog almost all the time. Near the start of an hour walk, I videotaped something. Then, I put the lens cap on the camera but accidentally left the video camera in recording mode. When I played it back (obviously audio only), I heard how much I chattered at my dog and asked for behaviors throughout the long walk. It was pretty embarrassing to listen to. I’m sure that I still over-manage her sometimes but that audio track made a huge impression on me.
Giving Lilly the down time that you’re talking about sounds like a great idea. And, I think that she’s lucky to have you and knows it.