Girls like me definitely fall into the 20-side of the 80/20 Rule. In fact, I’d place myself — and all of you — into the top 2% of dog care consumers. Sometimes, however, this devotion gets interpreted as difficult.
I fear, friends, that I’ve been labeled as such. I worry what the means for Lilly’s recovery.
It’s in my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt. Almost always, I’ll chalk something up to others being busy, a simple miscommunication, or some other innocuous situation with no basis in personal affront.
Yet, even though the feedback that inspired this blog post came with a laugh and a sense of commiseration, I find myself disappointed and a bit hurt with the underlying message from our veterinary team:
- I’m too devoted.
- I’m too vigiliant.
- I’m too observant.
- I’m too worried.
Kid you not, the advice to wait out this latest setback in Lilly’s recovery — from meningoencephalomyelitis / meningoencephalitis (inflammation of the brain and lining of the brain and spinal cord) after an adverse vaccine reaction to a rabies vaccine — came with a joke about perhaps trying to be “more negligent” in my duties as a caretaker and advocate for Lilly’s health.
Trust me, I know that I’m one of “those veterinary clients.” Because of my professional background writing about the medical and business sides of veterinary medicine since the mid-1990s, I completely understand that I know “too much” about what can / does / should happen behind the scenes at a veterinary hospital — especially when it comes to client communication.
Nonetheless, I ACTIVELY try NOT to be a total pain.
Sure, I speak my mind, make follow-up calls, and ask lots of questions, but I really, really, really try to be dutiful and collaborative, not demanding. I temper my expectations based on any number of factors.
For example, typically, when Lilly has a “bad” day, I wait to see a trend over THREE days before I place a single phone call. When she suddenly became entirely incontinent, I placed a call right away because that seemed to me like a dramatic and important change in her health status.
And, yet, I fear that despite my best efforts I’ve now been labeled “difficult” and that this latest health change is seen as no big deal at all.
Simply put, that hurts my feelings. It’s no fun to wonder if our team rolls their eyes when I call.
Have you ever been pegged as difficult? Where do you think the line is between being devoted or demanding?
I’d write what Saiorse wrote, if I were as wise as she. 🙂
But I’d add that your hurt feelings are a sign of how raw and wounded you are feeling right now. You have been through so much lately with your family. If you can think of anything healing to do for yourself, please do it. You deserve something to make you feel good for a while.
Well, out our vet’s office we joke about it, they laugh … what do they really think when not face-to-face with me is anybody’s guess.
Yes, I think I could be labelled difficult. They, of course, treat me always very nicely … do I really think they talk bad about me behind my back? Actually, I don’t. They might roll their eyes every now and then, I’m sure, but I think that they are just glad that I have Jasmine’s best interest in heart. That’s what puts us on the same team.
I think veterinarians, probably not specialists but general practitioners, get to deal with enough people who are negligent and ignorant and refuse treatments that could save their dogs, that they will take ANY owner who is on “their” side, that is out there for the well-being of the animal.
So they may roll their eyes all they want, I know we are on the same team and appreciate each other.
Outside of technical medical care for your dog who cares what they think?
You do not have to take on their moral code.
You do what you do because that is what *your* code requires and at the end of the day you have to be able to sleep at night and get up in the am and look yourself in the mirror and know you did what you thought was right. Because in the end let me assure you there is no right answer. NONE. All you have is your moral code, your character, and your deeds. You are your own judge and if you think you provide the quality of care that you can stand by and put your name on who cares what anyone else thinks. They don’t pay your bills, they don’t live your life, they aren’t going to be there in the wee hours when it’s gnawing at you and ‘sorry’ doesn’t change a darn thing.
I appreciate what vets do, I do. But it’s a job to them and to you this is your family. There’s no comparison.
I also tend to agree with KB. They wouldn’t have my business any more . I’d want a vet that at least understood how I felt about my dog if not was just as vigilant as I.
But in the end, do not let them change you or what you do. Everyone has a one true place. I honestly believe that, and this is your one true place right now. If Lilly had been with anyone else she’d have not made it I don’t think. It took someone of your caliber to do this.
Do not let people change you or shame you. Be unashamed, be unstoppable, because who else will fight like this for our dogs if we don’t?
I think if you asked, they wouldn’t say you are demanding or difficult. I think it’s likely they don’t have the answers you seek, i.e., they really don’t know if it means anything or not so “diminishing” the small changes gives them a little cover, when they want so much to know the answers but don’t. The words they used are hurtful to you and certainly ill-advised, but they are likely not aware of the hurt. Communication is so complicated. Words matter. Intentions matter. Of course you are hyper vigilant — you know Lilly better than anyone and you love her intensely. And you know better than most that sometimes a small detail makes a huge difference in diagnosis, treatment, etc. I’d bet your team is among the best, if not the best, so changing doesn’t seem to make sense. You might preface your next communication with the notion that you understand you are hyper-focussed on the details, but your hope is that perhaps the details serve a purpose and may shed light on what is clearly a complex and challenging situation. My heart and my thoughts are with you and Tom and Lilly, today and everyday.
You are right, Saoirse. They did not use the word “difficult,” and communication is indeed tough, when at least one party is emotionally compromised. I did tell our family vet that the feedback hurt my feelings, so at least there is that.
There is a fine line between worry and worrying too much. Just yesterday, when a good friend of mine was lamenting that his daughter was moving to Florida (she’s nearly 30 years old and well old enough to live her own life), I remembered when she was a toddler and my friend, being the concerned dad, threw a fit in the doctor’s office my sister worked at. It was over some illness she had and the medicine they were using to treat it. Of course, he was labled as “difficult” and the doctors and nurses always hated seeing their names on the appointment roster. On the other hand in this instance, *You* know you haven’t been difficult, just vigilant and that’s all that matters. I think Brette is absolutely right in her observations. It’s probably their own frustrations over the situation and laying it back on you.
Thanks, Living Large. I really try not to throw fits. ;o)
I’m sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else. I too would hate to feel like I was being difficult.
Many years ago I made an appt to see my personal Dr. I told him, “I’ve noticed I’ve been burping a lot.” Seems silly right? Well we had an endoscopy and guess what? I was diagnosed with a Hiatal Hernia and acid reflux. If I hadn’t asked that silly question…
I feel like you must be the one to advocate for Lilly’s health and while they may feel like you are too vigilant or observant they are not with her 24 hours per day, they do not have the demands on them that you have (as willingly as you do it.) You have all the stress of her care and are naturally concerned and worried about losing her.
I say this all the time in my life, “I’d much rather told it’s nothing to worry about with laughter than to be told if only you’d come in sooner.”
I would be hurt too, but the bottom line is she needs you to be her advocate. I would hope your vet team would understand that.
I think it is extremely insensitive that anyone would joke about the situation you and Lilly are in and suggest that you are too attentive or vigilant. You two have been through months of hell with no end in sight, and it isn’t as though there are any guidelines available to tell you or her veterinary team whether or not anything that has happened during this lengthy recovery and its many setbacks is to be expected. Her team may think this or that symptom is a result of her medication, but do even the experts know that for sure? As far as I can tell, you and Lilly are navigating uncharted territory. If it were me, a sympathetic ear, vs. a flippant remark, would be much more helpful. At least it would provide the sense that others understand what you’re going through, even if they don’t have all the answers.
That said, I’m pretty sure my file carries the secret code that means WARNING: MAJOR PAIN IN THE A#*!!!!!! I’m one of those annoying people who needs to know how and why. I am the queen of questions. I’m lucky, though, that my vet is patient and understanding. If any comments are made, they are made behind my back, as they should be. LOL!
I think that any vet who labels a guardian who advocates hard for their dog out of a deep love should be fired by the client. I’m serious.
Thanks, KB. I just cannot imagine starting over with a new veterinary team any time soon. I appreciate your vehemence. I was just venting about feeling like I’m being judged unfairly for HOW HARD this experience has been for me and Lilly.
I meant “labels a guardian as *difficult*” in my comment. Didn’t mean to be harsh – it’s just how I feel.
Has anyone on your vet team told you that directly? I know you probably feel it, even if they don’t. I think you NEED to advocate for Lilly, as no one else will unless it’s you. She is the one suffering, and if you don’t ask, the guilt will pile up. If the vet team doesn’t respond in a professional manner, that is awful. I know they’re frustrated, but still…
I can relate, Roxanne. I was actually told something similar from my vet team when I asked “too many” questions” about both of my dogs’ issues (and Lilly’s is certainly worse). Only one of the vets sent me updates and really looked into the research, and she and I collaborated. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have gotten on the right track with Luna, but because of someone else in her office NOT finding out what was wrong with Frisbee, despite my questions and specialists, it ended poorly. My guilt was enormous.
So please please continue to push for answers. Let them roll their eyes. But remember about the squeaky wheel…don’t care what they think! (easier said than done)
Much love and hugs.
No, Hilary, you’re right. No one has said that I’m difficult to my face. They’ve simply said I’m too vigilant and pay too much attention to (what they see as) tiny details / changes in Lilly’s health. And, it was broached in a I-feel-your-pain manner with laughter and such, but over time, as the message sunk in, it just made me feel badly. I’m probably being to sensitive from all the stress and worry, but still. It kind of hurt my feelings.
Difficult?? Simply because you ask questions and don’t passively take what is spoonfed to you? Ridiculous! These people are paid a lot of money and you deserve their full attention. It’s sad that medical professionals get jaded to the suffering of their patients. With all the press about mistaken medications, wrong procedures etc. how can they even respect someone who won’t advocate for themselves? Rubbish!
Maybe jaded is a little strong, Betsy, but yes … I think compared to other neuro crises they see every day, the fact that Lilly has elimination issues seems minor in comparison, but it’d be nice to have a little compassion for how stressful incontinence is on a girl … especially one who works at home and deals with it 24/7 for weeks on end … with no apparent end in sight.
I think you have done a phenomenal job advocating for Lilly, and it would hurt my feelings to be labeled as difficult, too.
To me, as long as I am not rude, ask honest questions and don’t expect someone to be able to fix everything no matter what, that they have no business labeling me as anything and should answer whatever question I might have. I would accept nothing less at my regular vet.
The center where we are most frequently referred when necessary is a little different in that I know they don’t know me, but I still expect that they should treat me with the same respect I show them. I will tolerate whatever I have to in order for my animals to get the best possible care, but I do find that I would like to label the referral process difficult sometimes.
Thanks, LeeAnne ~ I absolutely try NEVER to be rude. Persistent? Yes, but never demanding or bitchy.
I think that’s absolutely outrageous that your veterinary team said that to you, even jokingly. As a former veterinary hospital manager, I would have been livid at any staff member who said that to a client, even as a joke.
The reality is that in both veterinary and human medicine, it’s up to the patient to be vigilant – and in the case of a veterinary patient, it’s up to the pet’s owner to do this. If this is interpreted as “difficult” by your veterinary team, it’s time to have a conversation with them.
Thanks, Ingrid. To be clear, no one called me “difficult,” I’m just extrapolating from comments about me being too vigilant, etc. It isn’t like someone said, “Geez, you’re a pain in the ass,” but it was hard not to hear at least a little rebuke in what *was* said.
The vet technicians at our clinic have told me I really should stop reading your blog and others because it has made me ask so many questions. Fortunately, the vet himself is very open to answering my questions. When I leave, though, they probably all complain about me! I’m okay with that. I appreciate the education you and others are providing me so that I can be the best dog-mom I can be.
Uh-oh, Cathy. Now, I’m getting other people “in trouble” too.
I’m sure that I’ve been pegged as difficult, because even when I don’t have years of experience, if I know something or even have a question about it, I am obstinate about receiving answers or action.
You’d think a veterinary team would understand an owner’s concern about an illness or event like the one that’s affecting Lilly. That is profoundly disappointing.
Agreed, Jen. I think you can convey the spirit of “we’re not worried, so you shouldn’t be either” without it being seen as potentially negative.
Rox, I’m sorry you’re going thru this! I agree with Brette’s comment — I couldn’t have said it any better.
But I just can’t agree that replacing your entire care team is the answer — they already know you and Lilly’s history. Some of them knew you BEFORE this all started. I think starting over w/ someone new will only increase the tendency of the vet and staff to label you as an over-reactor, because they don’t know what all you’ve been thru.
For what it’s worth, there’s a Seinfeld episode about this — Elaine learns that her doctor has labeled her as “difficult” right in the patient chart and goes out of her way to prove she is not.
Thanks, Hilda. I remember that Seinfeld episode, and that’s exactly how I feel. I’m trying REALLY HARD to be good at this, so hearing even a little negative feedback it hard.
And, yes, starting over would only make things worse, so that’s not in the plan.
I’d say that you do need to be hypervigilant based on what you have been through. I hope that I would be the same way if I were in your place. Who cares what the staff thinks. You have a right to know what’s going on!
Agreed, Linda. We’ve been through a LOT with Lilly, but this particular crisis is much scarier to me and has lasted MUCH longer than her past medical scares.
To all of those four points,
NO,NO,NO, AND NO!
Thanks, Eileen. I’m actually mellowing with age, but I’m still a pretty intense girl.
I think that often medical professionals become frustrated because they simply don’t know what to do and that frustration gets directed at the person pushing for an answer. It seems to me you can get good care to a point and then they reach their limits. When you continue to push for help or answers, you get negative pushback because of their own limitations. I don’t think it should be this way, but I definitely have experienced it.
That’s a really good point, Brette. We are at a stage where it seems nothing can be done until Lilly’s body adjusts to the new meds levels, it’s just hard to hear that I’m perhaps trying TOO hard.
I am appalled at your vets’ irresponsible attitudes. I would be looking for replacements for them.
I appreciate the indignation, Bonnie. I’m not to the point of giving everyone the boot because I’ve worked SO HARD to build these relationships. After 20 years, I switched primary care vets about 3-4 years ago, and I feel like we’re just now getting into a groove.