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October 21, 2010

One of our Twitter friends (@IntuitiveBridge) recently lost some followers for essentially saying that we shouldn’t make our dogs emotionally responsible for us. The backlash stemmed from this post about separation anxiety, where Bridget said …

“Okay, I bring this up because there are people in the world who treat their dogs like their soul mates, like their bestest friends, like the loves of their lives, like their therapists. There are dogs who can handle this and dogs who can’t. If your dog exhibits signs of separation anxiety, you need to lighten their emotional load. This does not mean putting on a fake happy face. Dogs are not stupid. This means getting the emotional help and connection somewhere away from your pet.”


I share this not because I want to debate what causes separation anxiety or how to fix it, but because of the bigger premise … that we likely overburden our dogs with all our emotional crap.

And, since emotional crap is in abundant supply around here for the last 15 months or so, it caught my eye.

This I Believe

  • Lilly and I were meant to find each other. Yes, I’d consider her a canine soulmate.
  • Lilly provides support, distraction, and help (emotional or otherwise) in a way others cannot or do not.
  • Lilly is NEVER too busy for me and rarely too distracted to connect.
  • Lilly is ALWAYS at my side, even when my other go-to folks are otherwise occupied.

Wrong, Wronged, or Wronger?

So, is that wrong of me? Am I putting too much of a load on her tiny frame? Is that why Lilly has such terrible fears and behavior troubles?

I don’t think so. Not one bit.

The Stress Will Kill You

And, yet, I do worry about all MY stress wearing her down. Honestly, she seems to be doing REALLY, really well even though life at home is far from normal. It hasn’t been for a long time. It won’t be again any time soon.

Is it a coincidence that Ginko recently licked open his knee surgery scar the same week that a particular event made me angrier and more upset than I’ve been in a very, very long time? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe my negative energy made him antsy and licking relieved that emotion.

We lost our sweet Cody, who in retrospect was very much like Lilly, to hemangiosarcoma in 1999. That’s the year I found myself in a “dream job” that drove me to launch my full-time freelance career. I had everything I thought I wanted job-wise, and I was miserable. So, I made a BIG change and have NEVER looked back.

I’ve always wondered if my stress somehow led to Cody’s cancer. I know that sounds weird, but at the time, I did worry about it. I felt bad about it. I apologized to his spirit for it after he was gone.

Having a sleeping or playing Lilly in my office while I work definitely helps my stress level.

Better, Best, Beyond

Truth be told, I’m feeling a little weepy as I write this, thinking about Cody, other deaths in the family in the last year, and at least a couple more in the future. Perhaps that’s just the anticipatory grief talking.

Either way, I’m in no solid emotional state this very second.

Lilly? Well, she is sound asleep. I mean snoring, feet-twitching … asleep beneath my desk.

Does it help me to have her right here as I work? Yep.

Does my emotional state put a burden on her? I sure hope not.

I admit it. I sometimes sit with Lilly and just cry and cry, but most of the time, if I’m struggling with the flood of emotions from the avalanche of real life, I will spend time doing things WITH Lilly (instead of asking her to do things FOR me) like:

  • Playing fetch
  • Going for a walk
  • Doing a little agility around back
  • Having a game of tug
  • Teaching her something new

What do you think?

Do you ever worry that your emotional needs are burdening your dogs?

About the Author Roxanne Hawn

Trained as a traditional journalist and based in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, USA, I'm a full-time freelance writer for magazines, websites, and private clients. My areas of specialty include everything in the lifestyles arena, including health and home, personal finance and other consumer interests, relationships and trends, people and business profiles ... and, of course, all things pet related.

I don't just love dogs. I need them in my life. Seriously.

  1. How true! Dogs are very in tune with our emotions and that can probably cause them to become overburdened them from time to time. But, I also believe that if you do fun things with them like play fetch or go for a hike, it lightens the load and helps ease the stress – in both of you.

  2. I honestly don’t see how having a strong emotional bond with a dog can end up hurting the dog. Now, if the dog is very sensitive (like Lilly or K), then it’s important to realize how much your mood or outlook can affect them and find a way to lighten things up even in tense times with a fun game or hike. And, that helps the moods of both you and your dog so it’s a win-win.

    I’m sorry that things are still so tough for you these days.

  3. I know that dogs are very clued into us and they are a source of great comfort. Somehow I feel they can shoulder the pain more easily than we can; somehow I feel they are better emotionally equipped. Don’t feel guilty for anything. I’m glad your dogs are a source of companionship and comfort for you, even if it means being able to cry with them by your side.

  4. If you have a love relationship with your dog, your stress will not create their own stress. Concern, yes.

  5. I’d never thought of this. But I do feel an ache in my heart that my dog got cancer when I was at such a difficult point in my life – pregnant, on bedrest, about to move. It makes me so sad for him. I think that if you, as you say, are actively doing things with your dog, then that’s a really constructive way to channel your negative feelings and maybe get the endorphins flowing in both of you! And by the way I’m sorry things are feeling so rough right now.

  6. What an interesting post. I’m not sure this is something that I’ve ever really worried about – to be honest, if I’m stressed in my life endeavors, it usually means that I A) make more time to do fun stuff with Marge, or B) regretfully have less time for her. Neither really places an emotional burden on her, I don’t think. It may just be the nature of my “problems,” though – I’m not faced with loss or anything like that at the moment. I can see how if I was, it could be something that would stress Marge out and I might use her as my emotional security blanket.

    If on the rare occasion that there are emotional outbursts occurring in my house (crying, yelling, etc.) I do my best to remove Marge from the situation. She hasn’t ever really shown me that it bothers her tremendously, but I prefer to take a more proactive role about it.

  7. This never even occurred to me. I do know that dogs are tuned into our emotions, but I don’t know that i can put an emotional burden on my dogs. You can’t change the emotional atmosphere in your home so they have to live with that I think. I know that my dogs give me comfort and happiness and I try to meet their needs.

  8. Roxanne – I am happy that you have Lilly!

    Amy might disagree, but I don’t think I purposely put any “need” burden on our dogs. Amy is my soulmate, and – given that we’ve together 24/7 since August of 2002 – I worry that I need/depend on her too much. And clearly, I do see what effect my emotional state (good or bad) does have on Ty and Buster.

  9. I wish life were easier and less stressful for all of us. It is up to each of us to consider how our stress and our emotions affect our pets.

    It’s an important consideration, and I’m happy that you’ve thought about it. I think about it often, especially with my huge-hearted pit bull.

    much love-
    Bridget

  10. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be able to get solid evidence regarding illness in our dogs due to our emotional state. I suppose we can make all kinds of correlations between elevated stress and disease, but even that is impossible to confirm when it comes to our dogs.

    What I do see in my home boarding business are owners who project their anticipation of the situation onto their dog. The owner is sad leaving their dog and assume that their dog is going to be sad being left. Often this is true, but for most dogs the distress at being left is short-lived. Life here isn’t so bad, and in some cases, may even be better than what the dog experiences at home (we may take more and longer walks, there are other dogs to be with, play with, treats are handed out liberally).

    A dog was dropped off recently, one I hadn’t seen in a long time (so he was not as comfortable as dogs who are here more routinely). While he was busy sniffing other dogs, rather than sneak away, the owner continually interrupted the dog to ‘say goodbye’. The dog ignored her at first but as she continued to do this, apologizing and explaining to the dog that ‘she’d be back’, handling the dog, etc., the dog became increasingly distressed. The impression I had was that the owner was not happy that the dog initially seemed completely nonplussed that she was leaving. She continued to keep the dog’s attention as she walked away, got into her car and drove away.

    Instead of happily engaging with the other dogs, as he was prepping to do, the poor little guy sat and watched as his owner drove away without him. We headed out for a walk soon after to change his mood, but it troubled me to see such selfishness, or cluelessness on the part of the owner.

  11. Yes! Yes, I do worry about that. My dog is exquisitely in tune with me, which is both awesome and awful, especially since I know that I tend to be a stressy, reactive person.

    I’ve been considering taking up yoga or meditation or something to help reduce some of my own stress, and in turn, my dog’s.

  12. That should be “whether the individuals in question ARE human or canine.” My proofing skills apparently are below par this morning.

  13. What a wonderful, thought-provoking post. We all need to remember that no individual can be all things to another individual — whether the individuals in question or human or canine.

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